My sister can piss me off

Thank you all for all of your kind words over the last few weeks.  They have been greatly appreciated.

 

I am coming out of my funk, and all is well in the world of Fenneran.

 

I’ve said this before (although not on the internet), and it’s worth saying again.  But… my older sister Cassie pisses me off sometimes.  Well, all of my sisters piss me off at times, but this post is a little more specific to Cassie  (BTW, I LOVE YOU).

 

Cassie is always willing to share her thoughts and perspective on things (again, this isn’t limited to just THIS sister).  She does so without regret.  It doesn’t matter if it will piss you off, or not.  She’ll share it because, after all, it is her opinion.  At sister sushi night, someone almost always cries.  Most of the time it is from laughter, but sometimes, it’s because the four of us sitting there, ALL have different opinions.  And we all share them, and someone gets upset because we can’t get the other to change their mind, etc.  But luckily, the love we have for each other far out weighs the “pissing off” and we get over it and move on… even with our difference of opinions.

 

Ok, back to Cassie…..  The whole “councilor” thing is… well, her thing.  The whole degree, and work experience, it means something.  She’s got the paper and experience to back it up.  One of the things that piss me off, is that sometimes she is WAY off.  You can try to tell her, “no, that’s not it”, and she won’t believe you, and you argue it… and she still won’t believe that she is way off.  You just have to suck it up and let her win.  (there is no sense in arguing with an older sister who is determined to think her opinion is right).

 

But, what pisses me off even more, is that sometimes she is RIGHT.  (you like that Cas?)  And what makes it so hard to swallow is that you don’t want to believe she’s right.  In your mind, you want to deny every connotation, every word, every idea that she is right.  She says she’s, “taking it easier on me because I am her sister”, and I get that.  But damn it, she’s still right when I want to deny it deep down inside.  I probably am depressed… not like “get medicated” depressed, but I guess I really should try to find another councilor to talk to.  I shouldn’t let that one dumb lady stop me from trying.

 

I cleaned out my husbands closet.  HELL YES, I’M IN A FUNK!  Can you blame me?  I’ve tried to make light of it, but truth be told, every time I walk into my insanely clean and organized closet, I am reminded that Patrick is no longer here.  I had said for a while that I didn’t want to clean it out because it would seem more strange “without” his things… well, I was right.  It is more strange.  And it is enough to put someone in a funk.  It was time to do it (there could never be a right time to do it), it had to be done.  And it’s ok that it’s made me sad.

 

Uncle Richard is graciously helping the Boy build his pinewood derby car for cub scouts… that’s enough to make someone sad.  It should be Patrick helping him.  Sure, Patrick would have said, “I don’t have the tools to do this, let’s go to Uncle Richard’s”, but it would still have been Patrick’s decision.  I should be in a funk.  Thanks for pissing me off Cassie, and letting me know it’s understandable and ok that I’m in a funk.  (oh, by the way, thanks for letting me lose it on your bathroom floor).

 

I have a “friend of a friend” who lost a husband several years ago.  I don’t know her personally, but I know “of” her.  I recall my friend saying that they thought it was strange that she was still having issues years after the passing of her husband.  Now, what issues?  I don’t know.  Continual issues?  Not sure… but this WAS after Patrick had passed away.  I remember thinking to myself, “well, I don’t get it either.  I’m doing alright!”.  NOW I GET IT.

 

It could be a stinking pinewood derby car.  It could be the annual Father/Daughter Dance at school (oh yes, I have that to figure out in February).  It could be cleaning out the closet.  It could be finding something in a drawer.  It could be any thing, at any time.  I GET IT NOW.

 

Who knows how long it will take?  Who knows how often we’ll relapse?  But I know that I have far more better days than bad.  Most days I’m happy.  Most days my children are happy.  It’s ok to have the funk and feel Blessed that your friends and family will support you…. and that your sister will PISS YOU OFF!

 

 

A “stinkin’ difficult” New Year (trying to change it up)

So, as I said, the catalyst for writing has been that I’ve been ‘down’.  It really hasn’t gone away.  I am having a difficult time trying to describe it using words, because it really is a feeling.  I have been going over adjectives in my head, but not of them seem to really define it, so I don’t think I can really explain it to you in a way that you’ll really understand.

My best boy-friend Scott decided to come for Christmas.  I was so happy!  The last time I had seen him was not very healthy… for him or me.  He had landed in the hospital here in Georgia when he was here for Patrick’s memorial.  He missed the whole thing, and it was horrible for him because he never really got closure.  Nothing like driving your best friend to the emergency room only days after your husband passes.  Well, he recovered (somewhat) and returned home.  But in September of last year, started having consistent and chronic health issues.  Needless to say he spent most of him time in and out of the hospital.  By the time we visited him in June, he was at the bottom of the barrel.  As soon as I walked in the house, I had to hold back tears.  We go to TX every summer to visit, but we had picked this particular week because it was the 1-year anniversary of Patrick’s passing.  Scott has a wonderful way with me (Patrick use to joke that between the two of them, they made a perfect husband) that can bring me off every ledge.  He was SOOO sick.  Even landed in the hospital two days before we left and we had to say goodbye to him in his hospital room.

Well, his was finally on the mend and committed to coming.  I am SO BLESSED that he did.   I found this Christmas to be a little harder than then last.  I’ve said it before, but I think that it’s the times you’re least expecting it, that the sadness hits you.  I made it through last Christmas, so why not this one?  Right?  Who know the logic behind it?  I sure don’t.  We had a wonderful visit.  He was healthy enough to enjoy hanging out, talking, holding hands… you know?  The best-friend stuff.  He bought me a beautiful Christmas present that was “just what I was looking for” (another story for another time).  I am so glad he was here.

Over the last year, as friends have come to visit, I’ve slowly tried to give some of Patrick’s clothes/shoes away.  There is a certain peace with knowing they are being used by someone he knew and loved.  Richard (my bro-in-law) acquired many of Patrick’s shoes.  It brings a smiles to my face when I see them (and yes, I do recognize them). I given some Tommy Bahama’s to friends and family, etc.  But I hadn’t tackled the closet.  I knew it would look stranger without his clothes there.  If anything, it would draw more attention to the fact that he isn’t here.

But Scott had asked if we could go through some of PJ’s clothes because he was in need of some stuff since he’d put on weight and didn’t have a lot of options.  I was overjoyed by this option (again, a comfort in knowing that people we know benefit from PJ’s stuff).  But in true Scott fashion, he eased me into the idea that it was probably time to go through the closet.  Talk about ROUGH.  Phew.

 

We kept the T-shirts, as the kids and I all rotate wearing them for misc stuff.  Put all of the other shirts in a Rubbermaid, and donated the rest.  I kept the shirts because I really would like to have quilts made for the kids.  My best girl-friend MCB has one from when her father passed and it’s beautiful.  It has a pattern on it where the squares are all from fabric of her fathers clothes…. how perfect.  Now all I have to do is find out where to do it.

 

It was a rough night, oh wait I already said that….. Let me say it again, it was a rough night.

 

Two days later, it was a rough day, when I dropped a ton of bags off at good will.  Now every time I walk into my closet, it is a clean (I say clean because my closet hasn’t been that clean in, EASILY, 8 years), difficult reminder that Patrick is truly gone.  I know it is for the best…. 18 months…. and it was time, but it is still painful.  I am thankful that Scott was here to walk me through it.  I really think he was the right person for the job.  He and Patrick had such an amazing relationship too.  Maybe it helped Scott with his closure too?  He missed Patrick’s memorial, maybe this was his way to grieve?  Either way it is done.  Now on to the next uncomfortable hurdle……

A new year – Part 2

Ok, so I am still feeling down, so guess what?  You get to endure more rants from the lunatic!

 

Where did I leave off?  Oh, that’s right… So, even though I’ll be as broke for a few months next year, I’ll be ok.  Who knows, maybe God will continue to drop things on my lap!  One can only wish right?  It has been nice working Full-time, but it has also been exhausting.  I think I will enjoy the down time, at least until I become completely overtaken by boredom.  Then we’ll have to see where life takes me after that!

 

So, moving on…

 

The kids are doing well in school.  Connor has been tested and asked to join the FOCUS (gifted) program at school.   In all honesty, I don’t know when it starts or what it entails, but he is his father’s son.  Patrick was passively brilliant.  I say passively, because you would never know he was so smart when you looked at him.  Now, on the other hand, if you ever tried to get into a debate with him, you would know about his brilliance.  Masters in Cell & Molecular Biology with an emphasis on Infectious Diseases, WHAT?  I remember helping him with his thesis, and I would read it to word-smith and try to catch errors, but half of the words were foreign to me.  Damn that man was smart (and a smart ass).

 

Riley is still very emotional.  She really misses Daddy.  She is in a grief group at school, and is very open about talking and sharing.  She will cry, draw pictures, and get weepy.  Connor shows it in a different way.  He is very matter-of-fact.  He really misses him too.  It has become more obvious in recent months.  He gets very clingy to his uncles.  Doesn’t really matter which one (although Uncle Richard plays really well with him), if they are on the couch, Connor is cuddled right unto their side.  It pains me that they don’t have their dad.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… but, I don’t want to screw them up.  My patience runs thin much quicker.  I get more frustrated quicker.  My sister Melissa has been great and has watched them on the few trips I was able to take this year (I’ve traveled to florida 3 times, with a 4th coming up).  I met up in Orlando with two of my girlfriends.  I had a buisness trip down there for work.  Then I was able to go for my 20 years of service awards celebration for a few nights, and then  I go back down again in a few weeks to train the new FT person taking over the position I’ve been doing. They’ve all been quick trips but she’s been amazing, always ready to help out.  But I still haven’t figured out the balance.  Maybe once I stop working I can take some more Sharon-time so I can feel like I’m not being too hard on them.  Luckily I am not a screamer… but I sure can put a lot of power in my voice, so it’s probably worse.  But they are doing well.

 

Thanks for all of your comments on the whole councilor thing.  Who knows, maybe I will try again.  My sister (you know who you are) say’s I’m depressed.  Well… I do get depressed but I don’t think I am experiencing depression.  I truly believe there is a difference.

 

On another note, I have slowly been trying to get the house in order.  I finally got the front door replaced.  The sidelights had actually rotted so bad that when Patrick was sick I had to do a “poor man’s fix” and use duct-tape to seal it up.  But I didn’t stop there, nooooo, I then covered it with masking tape and spray-painted it white so you couldn’t TELL that it was rotted.  But it finally rotted all the way through and I could put it off no longer.  I also went ahead and had all of the window trim on the front of the house replaced as well (they were all rotted too).  It was quite an expense, and part of me felt bad that Patrick had to die before I had the funds to get it fixed, but I am sure he’s glad I’m doing my best to try and keep it up.  There is still a lot more that needs to be done, and eventually I will get to it, but it is a slow process.

 

During the summer, I gave up on mowing the lawn.  It was taking my 1hr & 45min just to mow the thing.  That didn’t even include edging blowing and hedging.  So I bit the bullet and paid for someone.  It is hard trying to take care of everything.  It really puts things in perspective, but it also shows you that you CAN do it.  I always knew I could do it, I was just glad I didn’t have too.  I’ve accepted the fact that it’s OK to outsource some of the “stuff”.  I think I’d kill myself if I tried to do it all.
Well, again…. enough for now.  Not sure how long I’ve gone on, but I’m sure it’s enough for now.  Still so much more to cover.  So many more hurdles.

 

You all rock.

A new year

A new year!

But what about the last one?  I was a slacker, I know.  I didn’t write in my blog like I was suppose to.  I didn’t get to the gym, like I intended to.  I didn’t make a better/stronger effort to close up gaps in communication with distant friends like I meant to.

 

But who are we kidding.  Life doesn’t always go as planned.  My life is a living testament to that.  But here I am, January 4th, 2012 (2012? GET OUT!) and I am writing.  Maybe it will get me out of my funk tonight?  Who knows?  I am down.  I was talking to my girlfriend over McDonald’s tonight before church and I told her I was just down, then I said, “maybe it’s because I am slowly cutting down on my caffeine intake?”  But who am I kidding. I am sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I only had 4 cups of soda rather than my usual gallons, but has everything to do with where I am in my life right now.

 

So here I go, a recap of my emotional, and unemotional, roller coaster of last year.  I will bitch and complain.  I am going to lay it out there, so if you wanted my usual smiley self… just skip this post.  But, maybe it’s time I just vent it out!

 

I miss my husband.  I miss my confidant.  I miss my best friend.  I miss my pain in the ass.  I miss his annoying habit of making strange noises with his mouth when he reads.  I miss him “wanting to be the man of the house”, but then asking me to take care of it.  I miss telling my kids to “give daddy 15 minutes of down time” when he came in the door after work.  I miss fearing that he would say something dumb at work, and that they’d fire him.  I miss him bitching about the drive to work.  I miss him calling to ask if we had enough money in the bank to stop and get a haircut.  I miss him walking around the house in his bike spandex thinking he was cool.  I miss everything.  Good, bad, and ugly.  DAMN IT.  I MISS HIM.

 

So, last year I got the name of a councilor from a friend.  I thought to myself, “hey, maybe it will help if I talk to someone.”  So, I went outside of my box and, made an appointment.  After sitting there for an hour, sharing with her, giving her background information… you know, “laying the groundwork”.  We finished the “chat”.  She said that I seemed to be “doing, and handling, it very well” and then I ended it with something along the lines of, “well, I have never done this before, so.. do we set up another appointment?”  She then proceeded to tell me that she was moving an hour away and that she wasn’t really going to be taking new patients.  WHAT?  Seriously?  Why on fucking earth did you just waste my time AND my emotions by having me share all this groundwork with you?  Why the heck didn’t you tell me that BEFOREHAND so I could have saved the trouble of wasting my time on someone who isn’t available ANYWAY?  SERIOUSLY!  Needless to say, I haven’t been to anyone else.  I do wish I had someone to talk to, but I always think that my stuff is pretty standard, given the situation, and that it would be pretty boring to listen to.  I always think that I’d sound petty.  Who wants to listen to some petty woman who is really boring and has nothing going on?  On we go.

 

After everything happened, I worked on my budget and figured out a way that I’d be able to continue to stay home with the kids.  It was a priority for Patrick and I as parents to have me home.  I was blessed that we were able to “budget/afford” to do this (did you see earlier about the “do we have enough for a haircut” part).  But I was even more blessed that Patrick wanted it as well.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be if one spouse really didn’t support the other staying home.  It can be done, but it sure would be a challenge.  Well, between social security death benefits and stretching what I got when Patrick passed, I’d be able to pull it off for a while.  It would be tight, but with my zero balance syndrome, I can do it! (BTW, on a side note.  If you, or your spouse, do not have decent life insurance coverage, GO GET IT NOW!  Luckily we had some on Patrick, but by no means was it enough.  I had more coverage than him.  We had intended to “up” his when I got mine, but he was just 3 pounds away from getting the good rate, and then we never got to it.Please make sure you GO DO IT NOW)

 

Sorry about that tangent, where was I?

 

Oh yes, staying home, budgeting, yada yada, yada…. God, on the other hand, had different plans for me.  There was a calling for me to help out at our church, on payroll, for the first half of the year.  It was part-time, which worked perfectly with my schedule with the kids.  When they were at school, I would go into work for a few hours and serve as the interim Children’s Minister while the church was doing their search for a new one.  It was only suppose to be a few months (although it ended up going through the end of June) and was just enough money to put away for travels.  In April we drove to Florida… Orlando & Miami.  My sister got married (I think that was the topic of my last post) and then we continued to drive down to visit a friend in Homestead.  The job then paid for plane tickets to go to Dan’s wedding.  Then over the summer we drove to  to Texas, Washington, and Virginia.  Then throw in the cost of Girl Scout Camp, Basketball, scouts…. well you get the picture.  I was able to breath easy because I didn’t have to stress about it.

 

After finishing my stay at the church, I was off for the month of July… How perfect was that?  Then God had another plan.  On my lap he threw the opportunity to go back to working full-time for Disney for 3 months!  Yeah!  From home, here in Atlanta, I stepped into my old Talent Hiring Role.  It worked out great, because the kids started school the week after I started with the mouse.  There was a hiccup though.  This gig would push me over my allotted income amount for the death benefits.  But, I couldn’t in good conscience give up a job that worked within the parameters needed to continue to be there for the kids, right?  I was working while they were at school!  So, although I’ve lost social security while I’m working for Disney, I am making money at Disney.  It doesn’t “bump” my income up too substantially because of the loss of the death benefits, but I’m still squirreling away where I can and didn’t have to stress about Christmas.  In the end of October they asked me to extend another three months.  So by the time I’m done, I will have worked 6 months.  It was a little tricky over Christmas break, but I was able to put in a few hours a day, and use vacation time to cover the rest.  It will really hurt later this year, because I will be done with Disney (without that income), AND I’ll still have a few months without social security benefits until I come even (it’s tricky), but I’ve been squirreling away for that too so it should be fine.

 

Well, it’s now 11:15pm.  I’ve babbled about a lot of nothing, but I do feel better.  I intend to write some more tomorrow, but who knows.  If I feel better, I might not want to burden the internet.  If I do, I hope you’ll tune in… if not?  Well, know that I have put back on my “mask of happiness” and am back to “dealing with it.”

Rock on

 

 

 

 

Happy, Happy Weddings

Well, we leave Friday for another wedding.  Last month it was for my sister Jayne, this one is for Patrick’s best friend Dan.

Dan has been like a member of the family for years.  He and Patrick use to travel together (Scotland, up and down the east coast), he use to come on family trips with us (white water rafting)… they were two peas in a pod.  He’s been around for so many years, he really is an extended member of the family.

Melissa, Michelle, the kids & I are all heading down from here to Clearwater for the beach wedding.  Another quick in/out trip, but the kiddos are excited because we are flying this time.

I know that Dan must be heart broken that Patrick won’t be there to celebrate with him.  This has been a long time coming, and Patrick would have stood tall next to him.  But he can’t be, so Dan asked if the kids could represent the Fenneran’s by being the ring bearer and flower girl.  The kids will do great and I am sure they will make Daddy proud.  (especially because it’s a beach wedding and they’ll be barefoot – a wedding after Patrick’s heart)

They are doing so well.  I think they are doing better than expected.  Me, well… not so much, but I’m working on it.  If you saw my last few posts, you’d know that this is a difficult time for me.  I don’t expect it to get any easier for a while.

Therefore, I am going to put on my big girl panties, and smile brightly.  Just because this is a dark part of my life, doesn’t mean that I can’t shine for the love of my brother Dan.  This is Dan & Sheri’s day, and I am so happy and excited for them.  They deserve all the happiness in the world.  WORD

One year ago

One year ago I was sitting in a hospital room waiting for a doctor to come in to tell Patrick and I the results of his skin biopsy.

One year ago, my brother-in-law Garrett and I were walking laps in the hall with my very nervous, yet smiling, husband and I filmed on the camcorder.

One year ago I NEVER imagined that the doctor would wait until 9pm to come into the room, only to look at us and say, “let me go get a chair”.  We knew.  He knew.  There was nothing else they could do.

I’ve been a mess.  I continue to be a mess.  I miss him.  I am human.

Please God, I pray for you to give me the strength to get through this next month.  I pray for you to comfort me.  I pray for you to surround me with people whose love for you, and for me, is never ending.  I need You always, but I need You even more right now.  Carry me.

One year ago.

Transparency, Right?

I remember when I started this blog, I said it was a place to put my feelings… my true feelings. Throughout this entire ordeal, I like to think that Patrick and I were transparent. Actually, we were always pretty much like that. An open book. There wasn’t much that we wouldn’t share, and if you asked a question, 99% of the time, we’d tell you. No secrets here.

Well, this one is a little harder. I guess it’s because I am so stinking independent… and stubborn… and determined. Well, you get the picture. I’m doing ok, I really am. But I’m NOT doing ok. Does that make sense?

The week and a half leading up to Patrick’s birthday hit me harder than I thought it would. When all of this happened, a friend who has been through losing her spouse said that it will be the “unexpected” things that hit you. Well, that held true. I didn’t expect his birthday to hit me hard. Actually, I hadn’t put much thought into it. Maybe that is the problem. I hadn’t mentally prepared. Either way. It was rough. I found myself being sad, reminiscent, and crying at the drop of a dime. It wasn’t all the time, it wasn’t constant, but it was enough to put me in a funk.

It made me nervous, being so unsettled by Patrick’s birthday, because it is the start to a chain of those “I didn’t expect it to effect me” dates. My birthday falls 6 days after Patrick’s. In May, we celebrate our wedding anniversary, and in June…. well, in June is an Anniversary that I never, ever thought that I would have I my radar. I never thought he would die.

But it sucks, because I’m still in my funk. I am sad. My beautiful sister got married on my birthday. I wasn’t the social butterfly I’ve always been known to be. I didn’t even really get the opportunity to talk to my new brother in law. What do I have to offer? I was a quiet lump.

I finally got to go camping with the group for the first time this year. And a new family came along. I hope they don’t think I’m a downer, because I just sat there a lot of the time. At one point I was telling a story, and all I could think about was, “how lame is this storytelling… with out Patrick chiming in and sharing his side.” I’m judging myself, I know. I just don’t think I’m as appealing without my better half. We were such a team, this is really rough. I don’t like having to do this on my own.

Once you’ve known someone for so long… I mean come on, I’ve known him since I was 14… you have a way of clicking with each other. It’s like the cheesy line from Jerry Maquire, “you complete me.” And it is so true, he completed me, and I’m just not feeling whole.

I am sure a lot of people can not even tell. I am a good faker. But I can. I am not as happy and light-hearted as I normally am. I’m not as extroverted. I am feeling like I am not as appealing without him, especially with the way I’ve been feeling lately. Why would people want to even be around me? I’m boring and unexciting without my husband, they don’t want that around them. My phone isn’t ringing, I’m not getting out…. this sucks.

I know this is a stage of grieving. I know this will pass. I’m just ready for this stage to be over. I don’t like being sad, I wasn’t programmed for this. I don’t like doubting my relationships, I should know my friends love me even without Patrick. I don’t like doubting my worth, I should know this because God made me wonderfully. I don’t like doubting my appeal, I am a funny and wity SOB that people want to be around. I don’t like doubting myself.

I miss my love.