A new year!
But what about the last one? I was a slacker, I know. I didn’t write in my blog like I was suppose to. I didn’t get to the gym, like I intended to. I didn’t make a better/stronger effort to close up gaps in communication with distant friends like I meant to.
But who are we kidding. Life doesn’t always go as planned. My life is a living testament to that. But here I am, January 4th, 2012 (2012? GET OUT!) and I am writing. Maybe it will get me out of my funk tonight? Who knows? I am down. I was talking to my girlfriend over McDonald’s tonight before church and I told her I was just down, then I said, “maybe it’s because I am slowly cutting down on my caffeine intake?” But who am I kidding. I am sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that I only had 4 cups of soda rather than my usual gallons, but has everything to do with where I am in my life right now.
So here I go, a recap of my emotional, and unemotional, roller coaster of last year. I will bitch and complain. I am going to lay it out there, so if you wanted my usual smiley self… just skip this post. But, maybe it’s time I just vent it out!
I miss my husband. I miss my confidant. I miss my best friend. I miss my pain in the ass. I miss his annoying habit of making strange noises with his mouth when he reads. I miss him “wanting to be the man of the house”, but then asking me to take care of it. I miss telling my kids to “give daddy 15 minutes of down time” when he came in the door after work. I miss fearing that he would say something dumb at work, and that they’d fire him. I miss him bitching about the drive to work. I miss him calling to ask if we had enough money in the bank to stop and get a haircut. I miss him walking around the house in his bike spandex thinking he was cool. I miss everything. Good, bad, and ugly. DAMN IT. I MISS HIM.
So, last year I got the name of a councilor from a friend. I thought to myself, “hey, maybe it will help if I talk to someone.” So, I went outside of my box and, made an appointment. After sitting there for an hour, sharing with her, giving her background information… you know, “laying the groundwork”. We finished the “chat”. She said that I seemed to be “doing, and handling, it very well” and then I ended it with something along the lines of, “well, I have never done this before, so.. do we set up another appointment?” She then proceeded to tell me that she was moving an hour away and that she wasn’t really going to be taking new patients. WHAT? Seriously? Why on fucking earth did you just waste my time AND my emotions by having me share all this groundwork with you? Why the heck didn’t you tell me that BEFOREHAND so I could have saved the trouble of wasting my time on someone who isn’t available ANYWAY? SERIOUSLY! Needless to say, I haven’t been to anyone else. I do wish I had someone to talk to, but I always think that my stuff is pretty standard, given the situation, and that it would be pretty boring to listen to. I always think that I’d sound petty. Who wants to listen to some petty woman who is really boring and has nothing going on? On we go.
After everything happened, I worked on my budget and figured out a way that I’d be able to continue to stay home with the kids. It was a priority for Patrick and I as parents to have me home. I was blessed that we were able to “budget/afford” to do this (did you see earlier about the “do we have enough for a haircut” part). But I was even more blessed that Patrick wanted it as well. I can only imagine how difficult it would be if one spouse really didn’t support the other staying home. It can be done, but it sure would be a challenge. Well, between social security death benefits and stretching what I got when Patrick passed, I’d be able to pull it off for a while. It would be tight, but with my zero balance syndrome, I can do it! (BTW, on a side note. If you, or your spouse, do not have decent life insurance coverage, GO GET IT NOW! Luckily we had some on Patrick, but by no means was it enough. I had more coverage than him. We had intended to “up” his when I got mine, but he was just 3 pounds away from getting the good rate, and then we never got to it.Please make sure you GO DO IT NOW)
Sorry about that tangent, where was I?
Oh yes, staying home, budgeting, yada yada, yada…. God, on the other hand, had different plans for me. There was a calling for me to help out at our church, on payroll, for the first half of the year. It was part-time, which worked perfectly with my schedule with the kids. When they were at school, I would go into work for a few hours and serve as the interim Children’s Minister while the church was doing their search for a new one. It was only suppose to be a few months (although it ended up going through the end of June) and was just enough money to put away for travels. In April we drove to Florida… Orlando & Miami. My sister got married (I think that was the topic of my last post) and then we continued to drive down to visit a friend in Homestead. The job then paid for plane tickets to go to Dan’s wedding. Then over the summer we drove to to Texas, Washington, and Virginia. Then throw in the cost of Girl Scout Camp, Basketball, scouts…. well you get the picture. I was able to breath easy because I didn’t have to stress about it.
After finishing my stay at the church, I was off for the month of July… How perfect was that? Then God had another plan. On my lap he threw the opportunity to go back to working full-time for Disney for 3 months! Yeah! From home, here in Atlanta, I stepped into my old Talent Hiring Role. It worked out great, because the kids started school the week after I started with the mouse. There was a hiccup though. This gig would push me over my allotted income amount for the death benefits. But, I couldn’t in good conscience give up a job that worked within the parameters needed to continue to be there for the kids, right? I was working while they were at school! So, although I’ve lost social security while I’m working for Disney, I am making money at Disney. It doesn’t “bump” my income up too substantially because of the loss of the death benefits, but I’m still squirreling away where I can and didn’t have to stress about Christmas. In the end of October they asked me to extend another three months. So by the time I’m done, I will have worked 6 months. It was a little tricky over Christmas break, but I was able to put in a few hours a day, and use vacation time to cover the rest. It will really hurt later this year, because I will be done with Disney (without that income), AND I’ll still have a few months without social security benefits until I come even (it’s tricky), but I’ve been squirreling away for that too so it should be fine.
Well, it’s now 11:15pm. I’ve babbled about a lot of nothing, but I do feel better. I intend to write some more tomorrow, but who knows. If I feel better, I might not want to burden the internet. If I do, I hope you’ll tune in… if not? Well, know that I have put back on my “mask of happiness” and am back to “dealing with it.”
Rock on