So, as I said, the catalyst for writing has been that I’ve been ‘down’. It really hasn’t gone away. I am having a difficult time trying to describe it using words, because it really is a feeling. I have been going over adjectives in my head, but not of them seem to really define it, so I don’t think I can really explain it to you in a way that you’ll really understand.
My best boy-friend Scott decided to come for Christmas. I was so happy! The last time I had seen him was not very healthy… for him or me. He had landed in the hospital here in Georgia when he was here for Patrick’s memorial. He missed the whole thing, and it was horrible for him because he never really got closure. Nothing like driving your best friend to the emergency room only days after your husband passes. Well, he recovered (somewhat) and returned home. But in September of last year, started having consistent and chronic health issues. Needless to say he spent most of him time in and out of the hospital. By the time we visited him in June, he was at the bottom of the barrel. As soon as I walked in the house, I had to hold back tears. We go to TX every summer to visit, but we had picked this particular week because it was the 1-year anniversary of Patrick’s passing. Scott has a wonderful way with me (Patrick use to joke that between the two of them, they made a perfect husband) that can bring me off every ledge. He was SOOO sick. Even landed in the hospital two days before we left and we had to say goodbye to him in his hospital room.
Well, his was finally on the mend and committed to coming. I am SO BLESSED that he did. I found this Christmas to be a little harder than then last. I’ve said it before, but I think that it’s the times you’re least expecting it, that the sadness hits you. I made it through last Christmas, so why not this one? Right? Who know the logic behind it? I sure don’t. We had a wonderful visit. He was healthy enough to enjoy hanging out, talking, holding hands… you know? The best-friend stuff. He bought me a beautiful Christmas present that was “just what I was looking for” (another story for another time). I am so glad he was here.
Over the last year, as friends have come to visit, I’ve slowly tried to give some of Patrick’s clothes/shoes away. There is a certain peace with knowing they are being used by someone he knew and loved. Richard (my bro-in-law) acquired many of Patrick’s shoes. It brings a smiles to my face when I see them (and yes, I do recognize them). I given some Tommy Bahama’s to friends and family, etc. But I hadn’t tackled the closet. I knew it would look stranger without his clothes there. If anything, it would draw more attention to the fact that he isn’t here.
But Scott had asked if we could go through some of PJ’s clothes because he was in need of some stuff since he’d put on weight and didn’t have a lot of options. I was overjoyed by this option (again, a comfort in knowing that people we know benefit from PJ’s stuff). But in true Scott fashion, he eased me into the idea that it was probably time to go through the closet. Talk about ROUGH. Phew.
We kept the T-shirts, as the kids and I all rotate wearing them for misc stuff. Put all of the other shirts in a Rubbermaid, and donated the rest. I kept the shirts because I really would like to have quilts made for the kids. My best girl-friend MCB has one from when her father passed and it’s beautiful. It has a pattern on it where the squares are all from fabric of her fathers clothes…. how perfect. Now all I have to do is find out where to do it.
It was a rough night, oh wait I already said that….. Let me say it again, it was a rough night.
Two days later, it was a rough day, when I dropped a ton of bags off at good will. Now every time I walk into my closet, it is a clean (I say clean because my closet hasn’t been that clean in, EASILY, 8 years), difficult reminder that Patrick is truly gone. I know it is for the best…. 18 months…. and it was time, but it is still painful. I am thankful that Scott was here to walk me through it. I really think he was the right person for the job. He and Patrick had such an amazing relationship too. Maybe it helped Scott with his closure too? He missed Patrick’s memorial, maybe this was his way to grieve? Either way it is done. Now on to the next uncomfortable hurdle……
After the first anniversary of Ron’s death everyone told me that “occasions” would be easier because I had already survived the firsts….first Christmas, first birthdays, first wedding anniversary. To my great surprise, the seconds were harder for me. I eventually came to realize that I was still in shock and none of those dates truly seemed real to me. I coped because that’s what I do but I didn’t actually face the reality of it. The second time around slapped me into the fact that my loss was real, it was permanent and I would never celebrate these things with him again. This was the 3rd Christmas without Ron and I tried to do it differently, only to find that made it worse. I know now that I find comfort in the traditions we shared. While traditions will continue to evolve as my family changes, the basic traditions that we established will always be the foundation and I will always find comfort there.
I’ve given away a lot of Ron’s clothes and my New Year’s resolution this year is to finally get his side of the closet cleaned out. It may take the rest of this year but I will do it. I’m so glad you had the help of someone who knew and loved Patrick. I know it wasn’t easy but I know having Scott there was what you needed. I love the idea of a quilt from Patrick’s shirts. If you find someone who can do that please pass the info on to me. My grandchildren would dearly love to have something of their Pop’s to cherish.
Patty
Sharon, I’m glad you had Scott there. It especially helps that they knew each other so well. Although some of the folks I lean on when I need to did know Jason, others don’t and there is a difference (not a bad difference, just a difference none-the-less) when the person knew him. I’ve said it before, but it’s pretty amazing when you truly need some strength, it is there, inside us. I see/read that strength in you and it inspires me 🙂 I’m sure some of that strength comes from the one we lost.
I love that idea of a quilt from the shirts! I still have a lot of Jason’s stuff in space bags and tubs. I’ve gotten rid of some of his stuff, but I still wear some of his shirts too, I actually smile when I put one on (wearing one today, actually), but his other shirts would make a great quilt. I also wear his heavy coats in cold weather, makes me feel like he’s helping keep me warm. The other day, I put on one of his coats and I found his glasses in the inner pocket. Was almost like bi-polar… I instantly sank and cried BUT within about 20 seconds smiled and felt better. It’s amazing how it can bring both emotions so FAST and so encompassing. But in the end, was a smile so I guess that’s the good thing, right?
Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences and giving new ideas as well. You probably don’t realize that it helps others as well as sorting out your own thoughts and feelings. Thank you and much love and hugs!
Todd
Diane,
You made me cry. I had no idea I was that sick when you visited, thanks for not telling me. You are truely my rock, God brought us together soooo many years ago to bless each other through the good times and the bad. I am the one that is blessed to have you in my life, and I am honored that you allow me to be be a part of the kid’s lives. Anyone who knows you understands without question why Patrick loved you…and with time you will be loved again. Until that day day, you have unconditional love from me and so many other friends. Giving you a big hug now!
There’s a scripture in Habakkuk Chp. 3 that says:
“The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.” vs. 19
As those inevitable “uncomfortable hurdles” come, may your feet ‘be like the feet of the deer’ and may you soar effortlessly over those hurdles with God like a deer and may the burdened be eased by good friends and God so when you look back on those times, you will see how God allowed you to “tread on the heights” with Him and may those burdens seem light as air.. XXXOX